recently...

Recently I have had this strange feeling. Actually since I have been home for break I have felt sad but in a different way. Not as in a deep swirling hole sad, but a more difference sadness. I feel sad that my life is moving me away from my family, and I never thought I would be one to be sad about that. My parents have stuff to do still don't get me wrong, but I know when I am home they want to spend a lot of time with me and this break I am counting the days I am able to spend with them and I am sad when it isn't the entire break pretty much. They are really good parents and let me do so much and never hold me back and it's really nice. I guess I never really understood that as I do now because I want to repay them for all they have done for me but I don't know how and what I would do. Also, I have been extra critical to my boyfriend lately and sometimes I wish I could be more calm. I mean granted he isn't perfect and could be a little more selfless sometimes, but he is a great guy and I am so lucky to have him. I just am realizing how lucky I am and it saddens me that I could ever really be sad about my life. So, with saying all of this, I just wanted to say that I am happy. I have a great life and even when it isn't perfect, it is still a lot better than at least half of this worlds, so I can't complain.

it's been a while

Well I just realized that I haven't posted in a while... like almost a month. A lot has happened since then I feel like but then again everything feels like a blur. Halloween was a lot of fun. I always love that holiday because people just go crazy. However, I think what I need is something epic to happen. Like nothing has been happening in my life recently. I need something exciting to happen that is not related to gymnastics or school or Matt. I need some sort of change. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating, like I can't breath. I need an escape, someone to rescue me to show me that there is more to life than pleasing coaches and living life for gymnastics. I want an alteration in my life path. I am sick of the same things everyday and I'm sick of dreading going to bed because it means I have to wake up again and start over. I want excitement. Like I had the summer before college. When everything was free and open. Nothing was determined for me and I could just live. I haven't lived in a while. Only pretended. I must say though I have gotten to become a pretty good pretender. Sometimes I miss my old life. As fucked up and insane as it was I miss it. I think I miss the security or something I don't even know. It's crazy because my old life wasn't nearly as good as my life now but it still creeps into the back of my mind and reminds me of how things were. Sometimes I wish no one expected anything of me. That no one saw me and thought, "Man, she has it all together, she has it good, a boyfriend, talented, and smart" because quite frankly I don't feel that way at all. I pretend with it all. Not everything is as great as it seems. Sure my boyfriend is great but it's still not the fairytale relationship every girl hopes for and thinks I may have. It's a real relationship and this shit is hard. I get mad easily because I have certain expectations that is ridiculous for me to expect of him, and I have these academic and athletic expectations that are impossible to constantly hold. It puts me in a state of constant sadness because I never succeed. It's a terrible mind set but it's the standard I have set for myself and it's going to be pretty damn hard to change it now. I don't know what I want but I know I want something different. The sad thing is, is that I won't be this "difference" for a long time. There is no immediate end in sight... not even close. However fast people say college goes, it's still not going to go as fast as sometimes I wish it would so I can start the next chapter of my life. I know I should be enjoying my life now and living it up since I am in college but it's almost impossible. And I mean I do love it here, my teammates are great and I love my boyfriend and all that jazz but sometimes I need a bonus. Something that isn't normal. I don't know if this is making any sense but it's how I feel. I guess I exasperated all my thoughts for now. So more later I suppose.

life

I just got done starring at my computer screen for 10 minutes reminiscing about my life. I started looking at pictures throughout my room and remembering the times associated with them and I started becoming nostalgic. I miss my dog. However wussy and lame he is I miss him. I miss my crazy coach who made me miserable half the time. I miss my childhood where everything was simple and nothing was uncertain, at least nothing that I knew of. One of the things I miss the most are my friends. I love everyone here, my teammates are great, and obviously I love my boyfriend (who I consider my old friend as well), but my old teammates were my sisters. Being an only child I literally considered them my sisters. Katie the most, but the twinkies and Mary Kay as well. I miss walking into the gym and gossiping about life and our weekends and talking behind everyone else's backs because we were the leaders of that gym. We owned it and everyone knew it. I miss that authority and respect. I miss the connection my coach and I had even though it was terribly messed up. I could do and say anything and I knew he would always be my coach and friend and nothing could ever change that. I miss my simple high school life with easy grades and no uncertainties about my future as to if I was going to do well in a class or make it all four years for gymnastics. I constantly worry that I am not going to make it to my senior year. I hate that worry it makes my mind crazy and I wish it would stop. I miss stupid family gatherings that I hated back then but kind of miss now. The ability to be in a room and have so many people wonder about my life and admire my hard work made me so happy and still does. As much as I love it here I love my home just as much however boring it may be.

one more week

So my deathly 2 weeks are half way done. This next week is gonna suck but also not be as bad as I thought because of less practice, my birthday and the fact that I am more prepared than I thought... hopefully. Matt left for the weekend for Kenny's wedding. I can't believe that Kenny is married. It's so weird because he used to work out at my gym when I was little and now he is married and all grown up and wow. Time flies. We had ponseti races this morning which were actually a lot of fun. The kids are so cute and I really enjoy watching them run at the end. It's such an accomplishment. Now pretty much the rest of my weekend includes reading philosophy to get caught up for our midterm this friday. I'm not sure if I can do it but hopefully I preserver.

Ok off to tanning then more reading.

random

Well I have a few moments of free time before I must study for the rest of the night. Things have been pretty hectic lately. Just had 4 recruits come up for official visits and of course I was one of the hosts. It was kinda sucky because I have to much to do these next few weeks and I would have really liked to have used this past weekend to study and relax but that obviously didn't happen. I mean it was a fun weekend just really busy... way more busy than I am used to. Going to a game was cool though. Definitely a change of scenery. But honestly, probably wont be doing that again... paid for it today at practice. I just really need an entire day to do nothing and not feel bad about it. Just lay around watching movies and relaxing. Wow that sounds like such a good thing right now. Probably shouldn't think about it since it isn't going to happen for a long time. Things with Matt are really good. We went out to dinner last night to Los Portales. That was fun and we have been having a good time together recently... not like we don't usually have a good time together... it's just been more fun these past few days. I have another doctor appointment Wednesday to get another cortisone injection... woopie. Hopefully this one works but who knows... it's always a mystery to me these days. Ok well I should get all my shit together before Matt calls.

escuela escuela

Sometimes when I think about all that I have to do I start getting some major anxiety. Like today sitting in my Philosophy lecture realizing that I had a midterm in 2 weeks for that class that I have done maybe 2 of the 9 assigned readings for kind of started to make me nervous, and to top it off, the entire test is essay. Greattttt can't wait to bs my way through that. Anatomy test tuesday that I have already started studying for and am already nervous for because I feel as though I should be getting good grades in this class since I am good at this stuff... or so I thought. Biostats test friday... have yet to start studying that but surprisingly not as nervous as the other further away tests... how absurd. Pretty exhausted but I guess now that's normal. Exceptionally sore from starting back up with morning conditioning... blah. Big weekend coming up with recruits and homecoming weekend. I'm kind of excited that I actually get to go to the game this weekend though, even though I do enjoy relaxing at Matt's place, I think it'll be cool to experience one game. I should probably drug up before I go though haha. Pretty much I can't wait until the week of my birthday is over because that week I have that philo test, anatomy lab presentation and well pretty much everything else that is stressful will be over. On a more positive note, gym is going pretty well these days (knock on wood) which is really helping my whole stress factor. I don't dread it as much as I used to which is a nice change of pace. Hopefully it keeps up this year... and hopefully my body keeps up too.

Well I should really get back to studying.

morning

So it's the next day since I have posted. I kind of like having an outlet to write down my thoughts and do something else on the computer instead of going on facebook all the time. I decided against going to my anatomy lab office hours because I really like having my Tuesday's completely empty until practice... it's just one of those things I need to have. So after this I'll study a little more and do some español if I have time. I wish Matt's room had a little more room to do stuff... well at least I wish his desk had more room. This week has been soooo nice since we haven't had to wake up at 530 every morning. Off weeks are the best except when the normal weeks start again I'll be sad. I'm still a little sick. It's lingering which is annoying but at least I don't feel like death like I did last week. I slept a lot this weekend and I'm finding myself getting exhausted before 11. It's kind of a problem and I hope nothing is wrong. I'm drinking a lot of water and taking a bunch of vitamins to hopefully help my body deal with all of the demands I put on it. I guess I don't really have much more to say except that it's my mom's birthday on Saturday so I need to get her a card and stuff before she comes out for the game.

More later....

wow

So I just read a post that I wrote over 3 years ago... I was a sophomore in high school, now I'm a sophomore in college. I didn't even know that I had this thing until now. Pretty much I thought this would be a good idea since writing is so much slower and eventually my hand cramps. Well that is all I have time for now because I have to go pick up Matt at practice.

More later I suppose.