it's been a while

Well I just realized that I haven't posted in a while... like almost a month. A lot has happened since then I feel like but then again everything feels like a blur. Halloween was a lot of fun. I always love that holiday because people just go crazy. However, I think what I need is something epic to happen. Like nothing has been happening in my life recently. I need something exciting to happen that is not related to gymnastics or school or Matt. I need some sort of change. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating, like I can't breath. I need an escape, someone to rescue me to show me that there is more to life than pleasing coaches and living life for gymnastics. I want an alteration in my life path. I am sick of the same things everyday and I'm sick of dreading going to bed because it means I have to wake up again and start over. I want excitement. Like I had the summer before college. When everything was free and open. Nothing was determined for me and I could just live. I haven't lived in a while. Only pretended. I must say though I have gotten to become a pretty good pretender. Sometimes I miss my old life. As fucked up and insane as it was I miss it. I think I miss the security or something I don't even know. It's crazy because my old life wasn't nearly as good as my life now but it still creeps into the back of my mind and reminds me of how things were. Sometimes I wish no one expected anything of me. That no one saw me and thought, "Man, she has it all together, she has it good, a boyfriend, talented, and smart" because quite frankly I don't feel that way at all. I pretend with it all. Not everything is as great as it seems. Sure my boyfriend is great but it's still not the fairytale relationship every girl hopes for and thinks I may have. It's a real relationship and this shit is hard. I get mad easily because I have certain expectations that is ridiculous for me to expect of him, and I have these academic and athletic expectations that are impossible to constantly hold. It puts me in a state of constant sadness because I never succeed. It's a terrible mind set but it's the standard I have set for myself and it's going to be pretty damn hard to change it now. I don't know what I want but I know I want something different. The sad thing is, is that I won't be this "difference" for a long time. There is no immediate end in sight... not even close. However fast people say college goes, it's still not going to go as fast as sometimes I wish it would so I can start the next chapter of my life. I know I should be enjoying my life now and living it up since I am in college but it's almost impossible. And I mean I do love it here, my teammates are great and I love my boyfriend and all that jazz but sometimes I need a bonus. Something that isn't normal. I don't know if this is making any sense but it's how I feel. I guess I exasperated all my thoughts for now. So more later I suppose.